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Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.