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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"............................... An often used phrase in a lot of my memories.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.