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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP