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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.