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Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF