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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.