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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.