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If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.