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Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.