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A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Wishing you a fabulous 2014 that is full of great achievements and experiences. A meaningful chapter waiting to be written HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text