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My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something