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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.