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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
I`m not sure what post it was that caused me to lose 2 more Facebook friends today, but if I find out which one it was I will make sure to post it again....
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.