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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.