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I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.