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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?