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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.