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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.