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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.