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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Don`t act like your not impressed.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.