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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Gym Update: Not there.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.