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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!