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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business