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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
Chip clips are for quitters.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?