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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.