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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.