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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"