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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.