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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.