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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
I had your cake and ate it too.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.