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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.