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My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.