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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.