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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.