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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!