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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
It should really be called teethpaste.