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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.