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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.