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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Iām not getting old. Iām becoming a classic.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.