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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?