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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.