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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.