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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I think...therefore, I am.....single
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.