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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Trust me, I am a liar.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.