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The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.