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"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
Gun Control: Use both hands
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.