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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.