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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.