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Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.