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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
is spending my children´s inheritance.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?