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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Gun Control: Use both hands
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.