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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands