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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M