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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...