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What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.