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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Is food porn star a thing yet??
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.