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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.