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I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.