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I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"