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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".