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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.