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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
me + you = overpopulation... :) :p
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes