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Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.