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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.