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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.