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If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I think my guardian angel drinks.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.