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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.