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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!