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I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.